In the last couple of years, the topic of marriage has become a major topic of discussion around the country. Unfortunately, that discussion has been focused solely upon the question of “Should two people of the same sex have the legal right to marry?” I discussed this a month ago and my comments are now posted online at my sermon blog, the address of which is on the front page of your bulletin.
But it has been unfortunate that during this time, the issue of traditional marriage has been overwhelmed by the flood of stories about same-sex marriage. And yet, men and women across the country and in this county have been getting married almost every day. And others have not been getting married.
There are three things which appear to lower your divorce rates these days, some of which may not be within your control. First, which the State of West Virginia has noted, is attending pre-marriage counseling. The State now gives a discount on the marriage license if you attend pre-marriage counseling because this gives the couple a fighting chance to stick together. Of course, you may already be married.
Second, it has been noted that having bachelor’s degree reduces your chance of divorce. People who have bachelor’s degrees simply stick out their marriages longer. Perhaps it is because just getting bachelor’s degree means that you are willing to “stick to” something that requires work and effort. Of course, you may already be of an age where this doesn't matter.
Third, it has also been noted that regular church attendance by both man and woman results in a lower divorce rate. But this is key – both the man and woman must be attending – not just one, and this is not just occasional attendance, and it is not just claiming to be Christian, but it is regular attendance at church. This is probably because of the time spent together as well as the double submission to God’s will which is demonstrated by this regular attendance. And this is something that everyone can consider.
It should be noted that the Bible speaks in many places of marriages, some of which were good and some of which were not so good. Some of the great leaders of the faith were married, such as Abraham, Isaac, Jacob, Moses, David, the Apostle Peter, the evangelists Priscilla and Aquila, a couple who worked and traveled with the Apostle Paul – and others were never married, such as the Apostle Paul and Jesus Himself. Paul spoke that he considered marriage to be a “second-best” state to remaining celibate, and throughout the ages of the Christian church men and women have remained single for God, while other men and women have married with God’s blessing.
Throughout history, though, divorce has been seen as an evil – sometimes sinful, sometimes even a great sin which was illegal in many countries and times, and other times it has been seen as one of those regrettable things that happens from time to time.
And the great question which has nagged men and women from the dawn of time has been this: How do we have a “good” marriage?
One of things which is clear is that few people go into a marriage looking for a “bad” marriage. Few people expect a short marriage which is to be followed by a painless divorce, although I have known of people who have married for the temporary legal advantages of being married, often due to immigration laws, and who then soon divorced, although I know of at least one couple who planned this but unfortunately fell in love after their civil ceremony and found themselves requiring a church marriage a few months later. The man was C.S. Lewis, the author of the Chronicles of Narnia.
And so we want a “good” marriage. But how do we get that good marriage?
Much has been written and filmed about the benefits of falling in love with the person you plan to marry. I used to believe whole-heartedly in this, but now I’m not so sure. You see, I met a large group of people from Bangladesh who all had arranged marriages and discovered that they have marriages which, on the whole, appear to be as happy or happier than our Western marriages. Oh, things are not perfect in the community, but…on the whole… the number of people who find themselves in a bad marriage is very low. There is something to be said for the wisdom of parents and uncles and aunts in selecting a good spouse for you.
In fact, it was the experience of Ravi Zacharias that taught me a key lesson about love and marriage. Ravi Zacharias is the pastor of the Church of the Apostles in Atlanta, a megachurch which also has a significant radio ministry. Zacharias was born in India to a Christian family and his family moved to Canada before he was a teenager, so much of his formative years came in a mix of Indian and Western culture.
Ravi’s older brother graduated from college and said, “Mother, Father, I wish to be married. Would you please find me a wife?” Mother dashed about, got on the phone and email to the aunts in India and generally went delightfully crazy for a few weeks as she identified likely candidates and eventually narrowed them down for her son. Resumes and photographs were exchanged, and about 6 weeks later, Brother was headed to the airport to fly to India, where his fiancée awaited him with 1200 guests at a wedding. The first time Brother would see this woman was when she walked down the stairs at the hotel into the wedding ceremony. I paraphrase the conversation between Ravi and his brother:
Ravi was aghast. “Brother, do you know what you are DOING?” he asked.
“What if you meet her and realize that you cannot love her?”
And Brother calmly replied.”Ravi, you seem to be under the mistaken impression that love is an emotion outside of our control. But love is an act of the will. I will love her because I have decided that I will love her. This is under my control.”
And decades later, the two have a wonderful Christian marriage with three children in France.
Do you see the key point?
Our films and movies and television shows and romantic novels all insist that love is an emotion that sweeps into and over us, “sweeping us off our feet” like an irresistible tsunami. And we believe this. And there is a natural conclusion to this. We believe that if we cannot help but fall in love, then we have no control about falling out of love, and we believe that this uncontrollable emotion is the basis for marriage – or divorce. So when the hormones die down or someone puts on some pounds, or shows up at breakfast without makeup, we fall out of love and our culture tells us that the marriage must be over.
But that is not the view of Christian marriage that we see in the Bible or over the centuries. That is the view only of the last hundred years – a time when the divorce rate increased from the low single digits to over 50 percent for a period of time.
No, instead we should understand that love is not something out of our control, but is instead subject to our will. As Ravi Zacharias’ brother knew, if we choose to fall in love and choose to stay in love, we shall. Don’t blame emotion, don’t blame your spouse, don’t blame the in-laws or your parents, don’t blame the kids. It is your choice.
And so, how should we choose a spouse?
There are three rules to learn and follow, none of which is accepted by our American culture today. These rules are like hunting, which is something most people around here understand.
First, all game must meet certain requirements. If today you are hunting for deer today because it is deer season, don’t bag turkeys! The first rule is to establish your minimum requirements such as “a 6-point buck” and guidelines for selection long before you go looking for game. For example, you might decide that your future spouse “must love children, treat their parent’s well, have a job, and NOT drive a jacked up pickup.” Or another person might say, “Must love art, be at least 6’ tall, be a professing Christian, and be in good health.” Or still another might say, “Must have a degree, understand my jokes, like to hunt, loves rap music, and not smoke.” Don’t make too many requirements, but consider what is REALLY important to you.
Second, Take any game that meets the standard. If you go deer hunting during buck season, if you said ahead of time that a 6-point buck was good enough, don’t wait all week to find that 24-point buck to take home or you might not take anything home! Just shoot the first 6 or 8 pointer you see! With spouses, this rule is to realize that a good marriage can be had with anyone who really meets the requirements. This is what the arranged marriage people have learned - you don't need the best person in the entire world to marry, just one that is very good. The myth that there is only one person who you can possibly marry is just that – a myth. If your spouse-to-be is one in 10,000, then there are 3 people in Harrison County that would work for you, and 900 people in West Virginia. Of course this means that you really need to think about those requirements, don’t you?
Third, be proud of your catch. Just as a hunter puts the antlers on the wall, show off your husband or wife to your friends and brag about them. Everyone likes to be appreciated, and nothing works better than bragging about your husband or wife in front of them.
Paul tells us in Ephesians 5:33, that “each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.”
Notice that both parties must do what is not natural for them. Men normally relate to people on the basis of respect. Women relate to people on the basis of love. It is easy for women to love and easy for men to respect, but we are each asked to do what is not normal for us. Notice that the man must love the wife – which is difficult for men to do. The wife must respect her husband – which is not the natural thing for women to do.
Now to begin with, most marriages begin with a man who respects a particular woman, and a woman who loves a man, but we must turn this around. The man must love the woman “as he loves himself”, and the woman must respect the man. Usually, but not always, the woman began the marriage respecting the man. He was strong, successful, had great hair, and was capable, making her feel safe, protected, and loved. The man loved the woman, a woman who was beautiful and lovely, flirtatious and sexy, weighing 120 pounds with beautiful smooth skin.
But time goes on. His muscles turned to fat, his hair disappeared, she put on weight, and there are now wrinkles under the eyes. Neither can stay awake past 11 pm anymore, he snores, and she can't dance anymore because her hip needs replacing. She complains because her hip hurts and he ignores her because he can't hear without his hearing aid. Time goes on.
Most marriages today fall apart when the woman ceases to feel loved, or when the man feels disrespected.
And so the solution, guided by our wills, is this:
Men, as your marriage continues, show your wife love. Take her on a date – particularly when you don’t have time or money. We have always tried to find a cheap quiet restaurant that was open at 9 pm so we could sneak out for an hour or so and sit across from each other with a bit of dessert or share an appetizer. Of course, since we were always looking for a cheap, quiet restaurant that wasn’t busy at 9 pm, we became the kiss of death for those restaurants – they’d close about 3 or 4 months after we found them because they weren’t making any money...
Another tip is to bring her home flowers from the grocery store. An $8 arrangement reminds her that you think about her and you love her.
Or do something for her so she can rest. Vacuuming if it isn’t your chore, or cooking dinner when it’s her turn, or carrying the kids to bed can go a long way. Remember to bring her a blanket on a cold night and a cool drink on a hot day. And tell her daily that you love her.
And women, remember that your men want to fix things for you. And it is precisely those days when they cannot fix things for you that are most critical for your marriage. For it is at that moment when he is feeling lowest, when the water is flooding the kitchen, when the power is off and the house is getting cold, when the bill collector’s are calling because he can’t find work, when the air conditioner fan won’t run and the living room is 85 degrees, when the car has broken down because he tried to save money on oil changes that you decide with your will how he will feel, because you can either say, “I told you so! Or “I wish you were a better mechanic.” Or “I wish you’d have worked harder at your last job”, is one way of responding, and many women have chosen this response throughout the ages.
Or you can show him respect by remembering how much he tries to fix things and telling him, “I can’t think of anyone I’d rather be sitting beside the road with” You can say, “No one could have anticipated that problem.” You can tell him, “If anyone can fix it, I know you can.” You can show him respect when he is lowest and least deserving of respect, and then he’ll do anything for you.
Husbands, love your wives as yourselves, and women, respect your husbands.
The best way to know the soul of a man or woman is to look at their spouse, for it is in this choice that we tell the world what our values are. If our spouse is silly and vain, that is probably because we were silly and vain when we got married. If our spouse is strong and confident, it is because we were strong and confident. If our spouse is a caretaker, we needed caretaking. If our spouse is beautiful or handsome, we probably thought ourselves beautiful or handsome. Sometimes reflecting back who we are, sometimes filling in our weaknesses, the spouse always tells much about the man or the woman.
In the old days, a sound piece of advice floated around. That advice was not to marry someone of a different religion. Today, that advice is seen as old-fashioned, but I will update it – do not marry someone with different life philosophies. If you think money is not important, be sure the person you are dating agrees with that. If you think family is very important, be sure the person you plan to have children with agrees with that. There are very few successful marriages between liberal Democrats and Conservative Republicans, because they disagree on so many aspects of life. You simply don't hear rumors of an upcoming marriage between George Bush and Hillary Clinton, do you?
But our stories and movies and television shows disagree with this, don't they? They are more likely to portray wonderful, romantic loves between two people with totally different philosophies. It is well to remember that those are stories and the reason they are notable is because they so rarely come true in that way. The divorce lawyers are rich with the people who tried to have a special romance between two very different people who were physically attracted to each others, but who had radically different outlooks on life. Instead, find someone with whom you agree far more often than you disagree on politics, on child-raising, on money, on religion.
And when you disagree, learn to fight fairly. Agree that an argument should be about reaching the best solution and not about inflicting pain and dominance upon the other person. If you begin to realize that you are trying to win the fight – or that the fight is no longer about getting a solution to a problem – then stop fighting.
Remember the question of respect in a marriage? Many rocky marriages are rocky simply because the couple never figured out in the first place how they would settle ties. Oh yes, most couples fall into a complementary arrangement, where certain areas are his responsibility and other areas are her responsibility, where she pays the bills and he decides when the car needs repairing, where she determines the decoration of the living room and he disciplines the children, or whatever arrangement you’ve decided will work. But once in a while, the man wants to follow program A and the woman wants to follow program B and there must be a mechanism to make that decision. Do you flip a coin? Do you arm-wrestle?
Paul says in Ephesians 5 – “21 Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.
The first step is to offer the other person the opportunity to have it their way. And in most cases, if the truth be known, at least one partner really doesn't care very much what the answer is. Submit to the other one's will.
But in a few cases, the issue is very important to both of you, you've already discussed and negotiated and tried ways to break the tie, but it isn't working. So Paul says that the wife is to make the decision - by submitting to the husband.
22 Wives, submit yourselves to your own husbands as you do to the Lord.23 For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior. 24 Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything.”
Paul’s prescription is this: The wife makes the decision by submitting to her husband. She shows her respect in these cases by going with the husband’s choice. She argues as a ship's good first officer does and challenges every major course of action of her captain – “Are you sure this is the right path? Did you consider this other path?”, loyally challenging him to make sure all the bases are covered. But in the end, she backs off and says, “Make the decision” and then she respects him for that burden which is his, and if the decision goes wrong, she respects that he had to make the decision and she realizes that he will learn from this and that is good. Life is too short to get upset over a single wrong choice – God forgives, and so will she.
But this passage does not give him permission to ride roughshod over her. For Paul continues: 28 In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. 29 After all, no one ever hated their own body, but they feed and care for their body, just as Christ does the church—30 for we are members of his body.” Men, remember that Christ gave His life for the church – we are to do the same for our wives and families. That is also part of the man's burden.
In a good marriage, there is a wonderful give and take of love and respect. And it is up to both parties to give and give and give.
If we look through God’s eyes, marriage is extraordinarily special. We were created as two parts of a single creature – A man and a woman who form a couple. For years we search for the other half of ourselves and when we finally find that other half, we know it deep inside. And we marry.
Therefore, whenever you see each other, remember that it is like looking at part of yourself in the mirror. Whenever you touch each other, remember that it is your own body that you touch. Whenever you speak to each other, remember most supremely that you are speaking to yourself.
In the best marriages, over time the he and she disappear. After a few years, friends always refer to them as “them”, and the couple refers to themselves as “we”, for it has become impossible to remember that he and she can be found as separate from “them”.
And the magic that makes this possible is the Holy Spirit of God, which blends together the roughness of the he and she and gives them one purpose, blinding them together into the one “we”.
I charge you, therefore, to always attend church together. I charge you to join together in love with a third member of your marriage – The God that created you and brought you together, the God that arranged the entire Universe so that you could be sitting here in front of me today. I charge you to always remember that in the best marriages, there is a third member besides the he and the she – there is the all powerful “I AM” that created all things. Without God, marriages become just business partnerships or worse, slave and master relationships. Without God, the love fades.
Invite God into your marriage. Find God and ask Him for help each day. Find God and live together in peace and love until the day that you die – and then you will see God, the One that kept you together through the years of happiness.
Marriage was not created for the purpose of satisfying lust. It was created because under the Law that God gave to Moses, all truth is verified by the testimony of two or three witnesses. You are each the witness of each other’s life, able to speak at the end of time about the truth of the other’s life, able to testify about the truth of the other’s goodness, able to speak the truth that this other person was important and meaningful and loving to at least one person in the Universe.
And, as Malachi tells us, God is the other witness Who sees both of you and testifies to the Truth of your lives, the importance of your lives, the existence of your lives. He is the necessary second witness, and the third witness when you two stand together against the evil in the world, the Witness that will back up your testimony.
Therefore, whenever you see each other, remember that it is like looking at part of yourself in the mirror. Whenever you touch each other, remember that it is your own body that you touch. Whenever you speak to each other, remember most supremely that you are speaking to yourself. And if you will do these things, you will have a long and happy marriage. Amen.
Therefore, whenever you see each other, remember that it is like looking at part of yourself in the mirror. Whenever you touch each other, remember that it is your own body that you touch. Whenever you speak to each other, remember most supremely that you are speaking to yourself.
In the best marriages, over time the he and she disappear. After a few years, friends always refer to them as “them”, and the couple refers to themselves as “we”, for it has become impossible to remember that he and she can be found as separate from “them”.
And the magic that makes this possible is the Holy Spirit of God, which blends together the roughness of the he and she and gives them one purpose, blinding them together into the one “we”.
I charge you, therefore, to always attend church together. I charge you to join together in love with a third member of your marriage – The God that created you and brought you together, the God that arranged the entire Universe so that you could be sitting here in front of me today. I charge you to always remember that in the best marriages, there is a third member besides the he and the she – there is the all powerful “I AM” that created all things. Without God, marriages become just business partnerships or worse, slave and master relationships. Without God, the love fades.
Invite God into your marriage. Find God and ask Him for help each day. Find God and live together in peace and love until the day that you die – and then you will see God, the One that kept you together through the years of happiness.
Marriage was not created for the purpose of satisfying lust. It was created because under the Law that God gave to Moses, all truth is verified by the testimony of two or three witnesses. You are each the witness of each other’s life, able to speak at the end of time about the truth of the other’s life, able to testify about the truth of the other’s goodness, able to speak the truth that this other person was important and meaningful and loving to at least one person in the Universe.
And, as Malachi tells us, God is the other witness Who sees both of you and testifies to the Truth of your lives, the importance of your lives, the existence of your lives. He is the necessary second witness, and the third witness when you two stand together against the evil in the world, the Witness that will back up your testimony.
Therefore, whenever you see each other, remember that it is like looking at part of yourself in the mirror. Whenever you touch each other, remember that it is your own body that you touch. Whenever you speak to each other, remember most supremely that you are speaking to yourself. And if you will do these things, you will have a long and happy marriage. Amen.
No comments:
Post a Comment